An Orgasmic Phone Call Changed My Life

“It was a clear black night.  A clear white moon.  ‘I had hit up the interwebz’ trying to consume.  Some skirts for the eve.  So I can get some funk.”

I first broke down this past year and signed up for an online dating site.  I figured that my personal information was already spread over the internet in some form or fashion.  I knew I was tired of picking up women at bars.  I had long grown tired of going out with women for all of the wrong reasons.  Why not sign up for a free site and see what the fuss is all about?

Here we go.  Most questions seemed redundant.  I selectively answered 4 or 5 questions before I became annoyed.  I couldn’t think of any algorithm that needed to know whether I think a flag or books are more important to society.  Regardless, I tried to present a pretty decent description of myself.  I also added a few photos.  I was well on my way to prowling the cyber cafes for mad introvert pussy.  At least, that was the picture I had in my mind at the time.

Fast forward 6 months.  I have messaged with 10-15  women over the past few months.  Most conversations were comparable to a two minute bar exchange.  A few others slowly developed into pen pals of sorts.   Some women wanted sex.  Some only wanted to hear themselves talk.

The bonds I was making rivaled first and second dates in my normal dating routine.  In a lot of ways talking to women online appeared to be as healthy as any other form of courting.  It allows you to skip the fake pleasantries and remove the lust factor.  It helps break down your walls at no real risk of public shame.  You could just jump right into the nuts and bolts of what makes a relationship tick.

Fast forward to this past week.  I came in drunk and lonely on Christmas eve and randomly messaged a lady.  She replied back fairly quickly.  We began to text regularly.  The small talk was going rather well and I found myself growing more interested in her.  It all seemed innocent enough until she called me a few nights ago.  She didn’t say a word.  She just began to masturbate on the phone.

It was both disturbing and erotic.  I should have hung up the phone and ran as quickly as I could.  However, I found myself enchanted by the lady.  I was more intrigued than I ever had been.  I couldn’t stop listening. I couldn’t stop thinking about the beautiful dame.  I hoped she was a dame.  She could have been a midget.  She could have been a man.  She could have been Manti Teo’s cousin.

I’m sure you are curious how it all turned out.  The lady in question turned out, in fact, to be a lady.  She just wasn’t who she claimed to be in any shape or form.  Catfishing had reared her ugly head again.  Woe was me.

I feel certain there is a moral to this story.  I’m just not sure what it is.  One way or another, imagine, this experience should change my life.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how it will.

  • “Sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love” ~ Gabriel García Márquez
  • “She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. 
”  ~ Jarod Kintz
  • “For men, I think, love is a thing formed of equal parts lust and astonishment. The astonishment part women understand. The lust part they only think they understand.” ~ Stephen King

Paper or Plastic

It seems pretty straightforward. However, I am not inquiring about which bag you prefer.  My question actually pertains to currency.  More specifically, what happens when dollars and credit cards become as valuable as the paper and plastic they are printed on.  What happens when you want to make a purchase, but they won’t accept your cash or card?  Have you ever even considered that one day people would stop accepting either currency?

We expect the Dollar to have less value in England. Japanese expect to spend more Yen in America.  Exchange rates have been around for ages. What happens when the exchange for everyday services is effected?  What if our own communities would no longer accept our dollars because they had been likened to monopoly money?  How do you go about buying a sandwich if you can’t use paper or plastic?  How would you fill up your car with gas or pay to ride the bus?  All very good questions.

There has not been a gold standard for about 30 years.  If the dollar was not the reserve currency, then we would have ran out of it long ago.  Think about it.  Since the days of ol’ Rome every single fiat currency has collapsed.  Every singe one.  The dollar, too, has been prime for the fall since the day I was born.

Now, I’m not telling you to overload your portfolio with precious metals.  I’m not telling you to stockpile a two year supply of canned food.  I’m not telling you to invest in a 50cal rifle. (I’m not saying any of those ideas are bad ideas, either…).  I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to have a contingency plan.  I am certainly not a scholar on the issue.  I just think having a plan B, besides the morning after pill, seems like a worthwhile investment for all of us to make.  I have a lot of friends who wouldn’t last for two weeks if shit truly hit the fan.  How long will you make it?

  • “Libraries will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no libraries.” ~ Anne Herbert
  • “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” ~ Woody Allen
  • “Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.” ~ Epictetus
  • “People who want to make a million borrow a million first” ~ Sophie Kinsella

Brauts. No Kraut.

The end was near.  The sun was cold

Your mind is clear.  Your intentions bold.

3 bottles of Shiraz should do just the trick

I am vain.  I am fickle.

I am a candle without its wick.

Lines have been drawn.  Spells have been cast.

Mulligans in life, wouldn’t they be a blast.

Judgements now rendered.  Regrets yet known.

The smell on her pillow was something to clone.

In fear we wither.  In jest we sprout.

Who eats their brats without any kraut?

Who eats their brats without any kraut?

Tyranny of the Minority

This past week Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty made news for sharing his opinions in an interview for an upcoming article in GQ Magazine. I certainly don’t share all of Phil’s beliefs, but I certainly respect his opinion.  After-all, opinions are like assholes. We all have one.  Who is to say your opinion is better than mine or vice versa?

The squeaky wheel gets the grease in society.  Those who bark the loudest get fed quicker than others.  It has reached a point where anyone that shares their opinions in public may be shunned.  Why can’t people respect the opinion of others?  Further, what causes people to have their feelings hurt so easily?  It isn’t even a question of right or wrong.  Perception will always be reality.  We all have different perceptions on any given topic.  Our perception is also likely to change with the seasons.

Frankly, there are very few people that give a damn if you want to love someone of the same sex or worship Kermit the Frog.  It is NEVER anyone’s business what you do behind closed doors.  To a great extent, what you do in public is your business, as well.

On a similar note, there has been a lot of discussion about whether Santa Claus is white.  My IQ is lowered a couple of points every time things like this become talking points.  You shouldn’t feel the need to establish what race anyone is.   You are probably a racist if you care what race Santa, Jesus, and Superman were.

I’m not posting this to piss off any minority.  I love homos, spics, niggers, crackers, and little baby Lucifer alike.  I am only touching on these topics to remind anyone with a minority opinion to keep an open mind.  Everyone isn’t out to get you.  Everyone doesn’t hate your lifestyle.  Parents rarely side with their children on issues, but that doesn’t mean they love them any less.  We are all of God’s children and we are all in this together.  Keep an open mind and an open perspective when people share their opinions.  You don’t have to agree with them.  It is their constitutional right to have that opinion.  At the end of the day, freedom of speech is what originally made our country great.

  • “I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.” ~ Oscar Wilde
  • “Hypocrites get offended by the truth.” ~ Jess C. Scott
  • “If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.” ~ George Washington

Americans: The Most Dangerous Terrorist Cell in the World

The police state continues to cloud above our heads both literally and figuratively.  It has come to the point that a George Orwell sequel is due any day now.  Not a day passes that we don’t hear about terrorist activity or how Americans are being protected from dangerous terrorist cells and lone wolfs living amongst us.

What is the definition of terrorism?  The term appears to be totally fictitious.  Our own government, by most definitions, has become the most dangerous terrorist on the planet. Terrorism might as well have been implemented to allow America to do whatever she damn well pleases.  This seems redundant since Americans do whatever they damn well please anyways, but that is neither here nor there.

This isn’t some kind of conspiracy theory.  The surveillance state began to outreach her boundaries in the late 90’s.  The monster really began growing a few years before 9/11.  The roots can be traced back long before Bush and Obama.  Hoover, FDR, and Nixon all had their hands in the pot for the same types of information.  The difference between Obama and the aforementioned is previous Presidents had America’s best interest at heart when they dropped the ball.  Today there is nothing our government is doing that is in our country’s peoples’ best long term interests.

As an American I am appalled how our government uses terrorism to justify countless violations of both national and international laws. We continue to use drones to disrupt, intimidate, and cause harm to innocent foreigners.  It is not only morally wrong, but also causes irreversible psychological harm to the people that are under constant surveillance.

I hope that one day someone has enough cojones to run our country without bias. Of course, that will require pissing off most lobbyists and corporations to the point of certain assassination.  Sigh.

As we prepare to close the calendar on 2013, don’t forget to count your blessings.  The road is about to get very bumpy.  God Bless Us All.  Each and Every One.

  • “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • “Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
  • “In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” ~ George Orwell

From Santo Domingo to Montreal (til the sweat drips down my balls)

Everyone loves to travel.  At least, the vast majority of people I have met claim to.  More accurately said I think people want to temporarily get away from home for a spell.  It doesn’t matter where home may be.  All places become monotonous after a couple of years.  It is invigorating to experience other cultures. Little compares to letting your hair down and getting out of your element.

I have always thought traveling abroad was much more insightful than anything I ever learned in a classroom. It not only opens your eyes to what else is out there, but also helps you to appreciate the things you already have in your life.

I have always had better chemistry with those who are well traveled.  I have never been able to put my hands around why this holds true.  We all naturally form bonds when we travel together.  How is it that that same aura is seemingly following us around upon our return home?  Are our pheromones altered whenever we cross the pond?

Very few people enjoy floating around like a feather in a dust storm, but aimless trips are some of my fondest memories.  That being said, I usually forgot everything after my 8th shot of whiskey.  I have usually been more concerned with finding my pants or figuring out exactly where I was in correlation to where I needed to be.  Asking inconsequential questions like, “What’s your name?” or “How did I get here?” were never high on the priority list.

Narcissistic humor aside my point is that travel expands our minds, bodies, and souls.  It allows us to develop new perspectives and appreciations for other cultures without any of the normal pressure.  These experiences will follow you around and refine your judgement for the remainder of your life.  The next time you are contemplating if you should take off.  Drop what you are doing.  Leave your suitcase in the closet.  Turn off your cellphone.  Purchase a 1 way ticket to whatever spot you have in mind.  Chances are good that you’ll find yourself gone longer than you ever imagined.  Chances are even better that you’ll return home with a fresh outlook on life. Happy Globetrotting.

  • “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” ~ Mark Twain
  • “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” ~ Augustine of Hippo
  • “Not all those who wander are lost.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Paying It Backwards: Reflection of One’s Self

A few years ago there was a growing trend of people who began ‘Paying It Backwards’.  In essence people would pay for the meal of the car behind them in a fast food drive-thru.  The movement never gained much traction, but it was still nice to see people performing random acts of kindness in any shape or form.

In today’s day and age selfishness and hypocrisy have become conventional.  People ask themselves, “what is in it for me?” Why can’t anyone step up to the plate and just do the right thing?

Gone are the days of looking out for your family and neighbor.  Gone are the days of paying it forward.  Unless, of course, you are on probation or need some class credits.  The most troubling part of it all is that people seem to feel better about themselves when they see others fail.  I suppose we all have a greater desire to succeed than regard for others’ failures.  That doesn’t make it acceptable.

As humans it is our nature to avoid confrontation in the same regard.  So rarely do we look ourselves in the mirror for any reason other than grooming.  Why should we?  Most all of us are wired to be selfish hypocrites.  The majority of our lives are spent justifying the decisions we have made.  If you are doing the right thing you really shouldn’t need any justification or satisfaction, truth be told.

Just because we are wired to be that way doesn’t mean that we can’t change.  People change everyday.  Some require church or therapy to assist them in grasping a silver lining.  Others learn through experiences and/or failures.  Being able to sit down and reflect upon things in the proper perspective is an amazing attribute to possess.  Once you learn to admit your own faults and problems it becomes much easier to adjust your own habits.  It also increases your desire to help others.

The next time you feel the urge to take joy in someone’s misfortune stop and ask yourself how perfect you really are.  Better yet, why not try to assist the unfortunate soul?  At the very least you will feel better about yourself and give the person a chance to change their own perspective.

  • “Every man carries with him through life a mirror, as unique and impossible to get rid of as his shadow.” ~ W.H. Auden
  • ““Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.”~ Lady Gaga