An Orgasmic Phone Call Changed My Life

“It was a clear black night.  A clear white moon.  ‘I had hit up the interwebz’ trying to consume.  Some skirts for the eve.  So I can get some funk.”

I first broke down this past year and signed up for an online dating site.  I figured that my personal information was already spread over the internet in some form or fashion.  I knew I was tired of picking up women at bars.  I had long grown tired of going out with women for all of the wrong reasons.  Why not sign up for a free site and see what the fuss is all about?

Here we go.  Most questions seemed redundant.  I selectively answered 4 or 5 questions before I became annoyed.  I couldn’t think of any algorithm that needed to know whether I think a flag or books are more important to society.  Regardless, I tried to present a pretty decent description of myself.  I also added a few photos.  I was well on my way to prowling the cyber cafes for mad introvert pussy.  At least, that was the picture I had in my mind at the time.

Fast forward 6 months.  I have messaged with 10-15  women over the past few months.  Most conversations were comparable to a two minute bar exchange.  A few others slowly developed into pen pals of sorts.   Some women wanted sex.  Some only wanted to hear themselves talk.

The bonds I was making rivaled first and second dates in my normal dating routine.  In a lot of ways talking to women online appeared to be as healthy as any other form of courting.  It allows you to skip the fake pleasantries and remove the lust factor.  It helps break down your walls at no real risk of public shame.  You could just jump right into the nuts and bolts of what makes a relationship tick.

Fast forward to this past week.  I came in drunk and lonely on Christmas eve and randomly messaged a lady.  She replied back fairly quickly.  We began to text regularly.  The small talk was going rather well and I found myself growing more interested in her.  It all seemed innocent enough until she called me a few nights ago.  She didn’t say a word.  She just began to masturbate on the phone.

It was both disturbing and erotic.  I should have hung up the phone and ran as quickly as I could.  However, I found myself enchanted by the lady.  I was more intrigued than I ever had been.  I couldn’t stop listening. I couldn’t stop thinking about the beautiful dame.  I hoped she was a dame.  She could have been a midget.  She could have been a man.  She could have been Manti Teo’s cousin.

I’m sure you are curious how it all turned out.  The lady in question turned out, in fact, to be a lady.  She just wasn’t who she claimed to be in any shape or form.  Catfishing had reared her ugly head again.  Woe was me.

I feel certain there is a moral to this story.  I’m just not sure what it is.  One way or another, imagine, this experience should change my life.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how it will.

  • “Sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love” ~ Gabriel García Márquez
  • “She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. 
”  ~ Jarod Kintz
  • “For men, I think, love is a thing formed of equal parts lust and astonishment. The astonishment part women understand. The lust part they only think they understand.” ~ Stephen King
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